Are You Ruining Your Relationships?

When it comes to doing well at work, there’s no doubt a growing body of scientific evidence suggests: “other people matter”.  In fact, positive social connections – in others words good relationships – have been found to predict our ability to learn, to motivate us more than money or power and to improve our effectiveness and performance at work.

Research suggests having a best friend at work makes it seven times more likely you’re engaged in your job and is likely to help you produce higher quality work, improve your well-being and make it less likely you’ll be injured on the job.

Of course if you want to turn a colleague into a best friend it’s important you’re there to support them through the natural lows and highs we all have at work.  But is it paying particular attention to the good times or the bad times your friend encounters, that will most shape the quality of your relationship?

How To Enhance Your Relationships

A study by Professor Shelly Gable and her colleagues have found when someone shares news of a victory or just a good thing that’s happened to them, how you respond can either build the relationship or undermine it.

I know took me by surprise as well!

Turns out when we take delight in other people’s windfalls or successes by asking questions that appreciate and validate their good fortune, it’s a positivity boost for you and them.

Gable calls this “active-constructive responding”.

The researchers found it’s in these moments we feel understood, validated and cared for and as a result our feelings of commitment and satisfaction in the relationship are enhanced.

In today’s episode of Chelle McQuaid TV I’ll show you how to authentically pull this off and improve your relationships at the office.

How Does Active Constructive Responding Improve Relationships?

Think back to the last time your closest friend at work shared some good news with you.  Perhaps they’d just been promoted, landed a great project or had some extra holiday leave approved.  How did you respond?

Chances are you tried one of these four approaches.

• You may have been passive and destructive saying something like: Great, but have you finished that report I gave you?  You’ve really not engaged with their good  news at all and in fact changed the subject to something that’s likely to kill off any positivity they’re feeling and damage your relationship.
• You may have been active and destructive saying something like: “But how are you going to pull that off and meet all your other commitments?”  You’ve engaged in their news, but you’ve also probably completely ruined their good mood and not done your relationship any favors.
• You may have been passive and constructive saying something like: “That’s great.”  You’ve acknowledged something good has happened, but you haven’t really engaged in what it means for them or used it as an opportunity to deepen your relationship.
• Or hopefully you may have been active and constructive saying something like: “How wonderful?  When did you find out?  What does this mean for you?”  You’ve acknowledged their good news and you’re giving them a chance to share and savor why they’re excited about what’s happened and create a good memory in your relationship.

Not only does an active constructive response make the person you’re asking feel good, by sharing in their positive emotions you’ll also feel great as well.  So next time someone at work shares some good news with you try to respond actively and constructively by asking questions that lets them draw out the story of what’s unfolded so they can savor the good things that are happening for them and build a closer relationship.

Want more help on active-constructive responding? Click here for a great workshop to guide your responses or watch this short video by Professor Martin Seligman explaining this approach to relationships.

What happens to you relationships when you respond actively and constructively to others?  If you’d like a little help with more practical, tested approaches to asking appreciative questions or improving your relationships with others at the office just ask below.

- See more at: http://www.michellemcquaid.com/

Can You Spot Others’ Strengths?

When was the last time you walked into a meeting with a colleague with the deliberate intention of spotting their strengths?  If the answer doesn’t roll off the tip of your tongue, don’t feel bad.

The truth is while it’s relatively easy to spot the worst in others, finding the best in people and ways you can bring more of this out in their work isn’t something most of us naturally excel at.

Scientists have long understood that while we all share a deep psychological need to be respected, valued and appreciated, the negativity bias hardwired into our brain makes us much better at spotting what we don’t like about people, rather than their strengths.

So is there a way you can retrain your brain to help you see the best in others? 

Why is it worth spotting strengths in others?

Well to be honest here the science is still catching up.

There is a growing evidence base that when leaders focus on spotting and appreciating the strengths – rather than the weaknesses – of their employees, people perform better.

But how does it impact people whom we’re not leading?

I saw the power of this spotting strengths in others first hand, when I was lucky enough to spend more than a decade working alongside a man named Jim Stynes.  Jim was an Irishman who came to Australia to play professional football and along the way donated his time to help thousands of teenagers find the confidence to achieve.

He was a master and looking for the strengths in others and then telling them what he saw and in today’s episode of Chelle McQuaid TV I’ll share his secret.

How can you start spotting strengths in other people at work?

If like me you’re not as proficient as Jim was at seeing people’s strengths, try these three simple steps to spotting strengths in others.

Firstly, before you head into your next meeting or conversation at work remind yourself to look for the best in the people you’ll be seeing.

As things get underway look for the moments where they’re more engaged, energized and enjoying what they’re talking about or doing.  Often their bodies will literally start to lean in to the conversation, the body language might become more animated and the tone of voice and pace of speech tend to be uplifted.  You’ll find more tips on spotting strengths here from Dr. Alex Linley.

Secondly, as you leave the meeting or conversation use the cheat sheet below of VIA Character Strengths to help you spot which strengths they may have been using.  Again think back to those moments when they lit up, which strengths might have been in action.

Finally, follow up your interaction with a call or a note of thanks for their time and include a little appreciation for the strengths you saw in play.

For example if you think their strength might be curiosity you might say: “Thanks for taking the time to meet today, I really valued the questions you were asking to help us get a better outcome on this project.”

As I’ve experimented with this in my own relationships at work I’ve discovered more important than actually getting the strength right every time, is showing up with the willingness to look and offer appreciative feedback.  It takes only a moment of my time and it’s been instrumental in improving even my most difficult relationships.

Want more help on spotting strengths in others? Read more here from Dr. Alex Linley on strength spotting or watch this short video with with Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener.

What happens when you spot strengths in others?  If you’d like a little help with more practical, tested approaches to spotting strengths and how to appreciate people for them just ask below!

- See more at: http://www.michellemcquaid.com/

Want To Improve Your Relationships?

The one consistent finding to date from all that science has discovered on improving our wellbeing is that: “other people matter“. In fact, more than what we’re doing in our jobs, research suggests it’s who we’re doing it with that ultimately determines our level of engagement and well-being.

As someone who leans more towards the side of introversion, building relationships at work hasn’t always been my sweet spot. I can do it, but it takes a lot of effort, it often leaves me feeling worn out and I generally don’t feel like it’s me at my best.

Even for the most extroverted among us – and I’m married to one of them – building good relationships with people can be hard work. Especially when the only reason we might have ever been thrown together … is our jobs.

So is there any easier way to authentically connect with people at the office?

Could A Mirco-Moment Improve Your Relationships?

Professor Barbara Fredrickson at the University of North Carolina and her colleagues have discovered that it takes just a micro-moment of genuine connection to spark an upward spiral of mutual care between people.

The research suggests all it takes are three simple steps:

• the sharing of a positive emotion like interest, joy, amusement or pride for example;
• a synchronization of your biochemistry and behaviors through shared eye contact, body gestures or vocal tone that literally causes your two brains to start dancing as one and;
• a reflected motive to invest in each other’s well-being that brings mutual care.

Barb describes this process of connection between people as “positivity resonance”.

She suggests we think of it like a mirror. You and the other person mirror the positivity in each other’s emotional state; you mirror each other’s body and brain activity; and you mirror each other’s impulse to care for one another. In this moment to some extent you each become the reflection and extension of the other. Truly making two heads better than one.

Not only this but when we experience warm and trusting feelings towards each other it improve our vagal tone – which is the very subtle airithemia that occurs with each breath we take – to calm down our naturally high human heart rates helping us to regulate gluscose and cardiovascular health, to regulate our attention and emotion at work and have better social skills.

In today’s episode of Chelle McQuaid TV , I’ll show you how you can create more micro-moments of authentic connection at the office.

How To Create More Micro-moments In Your Relationships?

You’ll quickly find opportunities for micro-moments of connection abound in your day.

Each time you interact with someone else take a moment to truly make eye contact with them or if you’re on the phone synchornize your tone of voice to theirs.

You might want to ask them: “What’s going well today?” Or “What’s been the highlight of your week?” Or even: “What are looking forward to this month?” As an easy way to spark off their positive emotions as they savor the good things happening to them.

Of course other effective ways you can create shared positive emotions is to perform an act of kindness, express your appreciation or give them a reason to laugh.

Just try to make eye contact as you do it. Then as positivity resonates between you let that feeling of mutual care rise up knowing you’ve made a connection with the person.

You might also like to try spending 15 minutes a day practicing loving kindness meditation as Barb’s research has found this works wonders on our vagal tone.  You can download a free guided meditation from Barb here.

If you want more on how these micro-moments impact our relationships, health and performance check out Barb’s book Love 2.0 and watch her speak about the research here.

What can you do to create more micro-moments of connection in your day?  If you’d like a little help with more practical, tested approaches to play with just ask below!

- See more at: http://www.michellemcquaid.com/improve-relationships/